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A time to heal a time to love myself   
08:14pm 10/09/2004
 
mood: cold
oh well. back again. for this post my lovely friend Bettina inspirated me to be honest. she just inspirated me for the sentence "A time to heal a time to love myself"...
I feel very comfortable in last time. With myself with my surrounding etc...

i hope this feeling wont go away because school will start next... and oh god I dont want to see those people there. and what if I will come again with them all into one class? that will be my real dead... it will and I dont exaggarate!
I am just done... I have no strength anymore to see them and to talk to them at all... really it is so bad. oh god I dont want to think about this...

the reason I woke up from my "bad dream" was that I watched the movie "Velvet Goldmine" and ever since I feel like a new person. I dont know why because this movie doesnt contain any of my probs etc... but its okay now.

oh well...
 
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Venice   
12:10am 16/08/2004
 
mood: angry
I really dont know how to start this post... LOL. It seems like I am a super duper jetsetter doesnt it? LOL. well I am not. Its just that my dad loves paris and mom loves venice... tis all. I am used to Venice so I dont want to say much about it.

Let me talk about my LOVELY MOM... She sucks... She sucks... She sucks... Aww did I mention that she sucks?
Honestly: I dont want her and I dont need her. I am sick of being her little girl, who isnt able to thing for herself. She doesnt let me BREATH! I hate her.
But no, she doesnt do anything to hurt me really not. she doesnt diss me as well. it is just her being. I cant stand her anymore. I dont need a mother and I dont want her to be my best friend!!!! She doesnt understand me anymore and I DONT WANT to understand her. She is backward. Thats it I guess... I am really not a evil person. It is hard to make me hate someone. but my dear mom got it.

Last night we´ve been talking about my study and that it will take me 10 years...then I was like to ma "dont worry mom, I will move as soon as you are sick of me. I wont stay the 10 years at home" and then this stupid woman totally freaked out!!! she was like "if you move I will kill you"!!!! oh god... she is ill. then I was like "what the heck? you are not the person to tell me this... not you ma" and she was like "okay I exaggarrated. but you will NOT MOVE! until you have your job and marry etc" and I am like " what the fuck?" I told her she cant decide what I shall do etc and there was a big fight. She thinks I will be her baby girl forever... oh god...

I cant stand it when someone causes and obstacle to my freedom, to my loyality. I do EVERYTHING I want , whenever I want and how I want. No one tells me anything to do. not mentioning my mother...

well I am really angry... she doesnt understand that Freedom and loyality (and truth btw) are the most important things in the world to me... and she tries to take it away! I could kill her.

well thats all I guess for now. I cant stand her this stupid woman...
 
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Me in Paris   
03:13pm 14/08/2004
 
mood: bitchy
Oh god this have been some hectic two weeks I tell you! LOL it was very exciting to see all the wonderful places in Paris but it was also annoying after a time because I didnt understand anything of the language. I used to love french as the language but now I cant hear it anymore! LOL
The people are the same everywhere I guess. I saw the same rudness and ignorance here as well as in the place I live... And the only escape was for me to be alone. I feel very comfi when I am alone. Just alone... And while being online and alone! LOL

Tomorrow I will be in Venice. Since I am able to think I spend every holidays in Venice. At least three days. My parents love this city because they have some nice memories. But my mom loves it much more because she has here her best friend. We stay in her big house in Venice so not in a super duper hotel! thats bad. But she is really very nice.

I am thinking of staying there for maybe only 2 days... I really dont want to stay there that long. my dad and my sister too. my dad has still alot work so he has to come back home. My sister sees it just like me she does also want to go home.
but my mom will stay for 2 weeks... WOW how can this woman want this? LOL

well thats all! this is my last post from Paris for now!

lots of love
 
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Memories   
03:34pm 09/08/2004
 
mood: awake
Yesterday was really a damn weird day! LOL
I listened yesterday to the Destiny´s Child album "survivor" and there was the survivor song just and I started crying... The text just reminded me to my suffering during the last half year. And I doupt that I was sad and cried. I cried rather because of the relief. I never realized the last time that I have it behind me now. But the text especially this parts: "you thought that I would fail without but I´m on top... you thought that I would die without you but I am living... you thought I couldn´t breath without you I´m inhalling..."... Oh god those made me think how happy I am now. Without those people around me. without them, who dissed me. well thats good now. and I am so happy about it!

Since one week I make now a diet and its really cool that I loose weight. I am not that fat actually but not as thin as sienna Miller you know! LOL

this is what I ate today: a fruit salad, and a little bit of normal salad... and at 5 o´clock I will eat a soup... thats it. not more! I have to loose as much weight as possible! and since yesterday I make sports too... actually just jogging but that is better then doing nothing isnt it?

and what did I do else yesterday? ah yes I changed the layout and today I changed it again! I love these colours! this pink and this green! looks very fresh hehehe...

lots of love...
 
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Freedon Truth Beauty And Love   
07:05pm 27/07/2004
 
mood: sick
Well I know I said I dont want anybody. But there are times like now, when I need someone. Someone who loves me unconditionally. someone who listens to me. A man I mean. Not a boy. He shan’t love me because of any material or external things. He shall love me because he fell in love with the person who I am.
I am sick of these childish relationships in my age. Nothing but crap, I tell you. I need someone, where I am sure of; this person will be always there for me. And I will in return.
I don’t want one of these stereotype men. I want him to be considerate, to be lovely towards me, he should be understanding, and humorous. Well I guess the last one doesn’t fit with the others. But in such a damn world it might be useful to laugh at least one time a day.

But I think the bitter true is that I will NEVER find him. I really don’t think so. And if I will, I guess he won’t want me. But hey? Who does want me? A girl with big depressions in her life, who could cry constantly every moment of the day, who is not anyway happy with herself, who hates herself?

Well… Love. There were times I didn’t believe there was love. I could not believe there was an emotion bigger then anything else. When I watched these romantic movies I was like “oh come on! Bull shit. I would never die for the one I love. Well for my sister yes. For my mum yes. Well for my dad, I guess too. But for who else? No one”. And I used to be proud to say that I was never in love. And now I am embarrassed to say that I still don’t know how it is to love someone else out of your family or close friends.

I met at school a boy. Let’s call him Queen. Just because he is such a big Queen fan. Well I got to know him very good at the practical lessons. And he is totally different then the other guys. I mean really different. He was so nice to me. He always respected my opinions and my emotions. And that’s why he is my best friend right now. I really love him. As my best friend. But he fell in love with me. But that’s something completely different.
At the beginning of our friendship he told me how great love must be because he was never in love. How great the emotion must be. I didn’t believe. But after being hurt that often, I know there is nothing bigger and valuable than love. Not in the closest meaning. And this boy who tried to explain me the love on the most beautiful ways which can exist fell in love with me. And I felt so sad to tell him that I don’t love him in return. But we are still the closest friends.

And there is one thing he told me from a movie “Moulin Rouge”. Its his favourite movie and he said “The Greatest thing you´ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return… isn’t this the most important statement in the world?” at that time I didn’t think so… “No. I don’t think love is that important” I told him. But now I don’t dare to tell him the opposite.
 
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rainy rainy day...   
06:14pm 26/07/2004
 
mood: pissed off
I love these rainy cold and dark days. Everybody is like: no no no rain... damn it! I hate it!
But I love it! Maybe its a bit ridiculous. But I feel so comfortable when I am at home, very comfi and outside the weather is freaking out! LOL

today its monday and I didnt go to school. I pretend I am ill today. My class wanted to go somewhere... for drinks etc... But I dont want to have anything to do with those people outside the school.

oh dear before a couple of days I had a very fierce argument with my dad. The reason is not that important. Sometimes I really think he doesnt love me anyways. He is NEVER happy with me. I can never be good enough for him. No matter what. School. Grades. Friends. Everything I do is wrong. He doesnt recognize me anymore. He really doesnt. And he is sick of me. I told this my mom and she agreed. He is sick of me sometimes, she said. Well and thats enough for me to know. How can a Dad be sick of his own child? How?
He never listenes to me. When I come up with something to him, he doesnt even listen. Then I say "and? what do you think?" then he is like "oh yes darling. You are sooo right. You are always the right one arent you?" things like this he says. That sounds like dissing. I mean the way he says that sounds like he´d diss me.

I dont feel like I´d ever had a dad. My dad was never there for me. Maybe for material things. But I am a person who doesnt count material things as important. I really dont. Maybe its because I get everything I want. Or maybe its because its really not important for me.
When I want to talk with him about something either he screams at me or he disses me.

But I am not a child anymore. I am really not. No way. I am only 18 but I saw so many bad things in life. And I am sick of it, that he thinks I am a child. I dont care of him. He isnt the Dad I thought he´d be. I discovered that he is always the wrong one. He didnt reach as much as I did in his life. Thats the reason he dislikes me, I guess. This might sound like a childs claiming who thinks daddy doesnt love her anymore. no its not. even my mom told me he has enough with me.
 
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Ordinary day   
06:54pm 19/07/2004
 
mood: disappointed
oh dear... Today was really stupid. And boring. I am actually used to have now only practical lessons but today I had school! that was horrible. So so so boring. But it was also the last school day for me. Well for this year. in september the 12th class will start and then it will be even more hard. Yes... school will be very hard for me next year. But somehow I am looking forward because after the next year I will finally study! Thats really awsome.
The fact that I will study and go away from this place where I live uleashes me somehow from my stress and my "pain" you could say. I want to go here away. Thats it. Nothing else. I want to see other people. Starting a COMPLETELY NEW LIFE... thats it.

my friends are used to know me on a certain way. On a very funny stupid certain way. For them I am the funny girl who has always a grin in her face and who is good for any kinda joke.

But things really changed. I am not that "stupid" anymore. I used to hide my emotions back then. I used to show them only my "played happy face". But now I recognized that there is so much more then doing everything to be loved by your friends. I used to make them laugh make them happy. but I got completely NOTHING in return. When I felt bad they were never there for me. But I was. Always. I would sacrifize anything to make them happy. Its hard and selfish to say but sometimes you have to think of yourself.

Well thats it, what stresses me. They cant see that I am now the mature one, the considerate one. Not the affectionate one anymore. Not the always happy.
And they are like "hey what is? why arent you anymore so cool like you used to be?" and honestly I want to hit into their face and say "YOU made me be like I am! YOU all have been those who were never there for me. Who would diss me in every opportunity they got..."
Those people arent good friends.


And this change didnt come suddenly. One classmate of mine made me so hard down and dissed me so much, so that I changed finally. And yes I am so fucking embarrassed that I changed my whole being just because such a stupid bitch dissed me to death.
I am used to think I am strong. Nothing can make me down. No one can make me down (especially men but this is not important now...). But this stupid girl showed me that I am really nothing.
I used to think I am somehow pretty (lets say self confident. yes I was very selfconfident). I also used to think that I am a nice person. And I used to think that I have no haters. But she "dissed this attitute out of me" you could say. . But when she started dissing me... oh dear. I could look as quick as all started hating me.

First I didnt take care of her words towards me. But then you come to a point where you are like "hey? why does she say this all to me? She cant get all this hate towards me from nowhere! there must be something wrong with me! I guess I am that ugly or I am that dump, because she says that! And why should she lie?..."

well maybe this sounds a bit weird to you. But for me it causes tears everytime I talk about this incident.

I will never, diss someone. I promised this to me. I will never make someone feel that worthless and dump like she (well you could say "they" made me feel.

Because I know how disgusting it is when you hear bitchy laughs right behind you. And your intution tells you before they mention quitely your name, that they are dissing you.
 
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Finally... WEEKEND!   
09:32am 17/07/2004
 
mood: lazy
Oh god this week was really very busy and terrible. I didnt have time to do ANYTHING. And I had to write my last test for such an dump electricity (or how you call it) school. I got 65 point out of 100... But I dont care. The last time I was the best in the class so I really dont care.

Something pretty lovely or might I say funny happened... There is a guy in my class (practical lessons not school), and I actually dont like him that much, to be honest. he always moves around with his laptop even to school. and he never lets anybody "play" with his laptop or anyway type something on his laptop. but before two days he just said to me "could you come here please? I want to let you listen to you one song I really like"... That came like a BOMB. Because I knew that he liked me, others told me already. but he talked to me the first time!!! LOL... That was funny. and than I went to him with an astounding face over. I listened to some kinda instrumental trance/rock something like that. Then he said to me "Okay you can do whatever you want with my laptop. You can search your songs or watch some funny videos I have downloaded..." OH MY GOD... This chap doesnt allow his bestfriend to touch his pc but he insisted on that I should make there something!!! wow. I was very honoured of course! and then he just went to his rucksack and brough out a muse cd! because I once told that I love Muse. And he was like "here is something for you... you can borrow it"
I tell you he is really gorgeos. He is a bit of a computer freak, but he is lovely. He has a very nice name. well he is irish. and I love ireland! LOL

and then yesterday he sat all the time right next to me (actually he sits at the very end of the room) and we had a nice chat. He is really nice. I love his blue eyes. But this is nothing, I guess. I dont think it is love or anything like that. It´s just nice to see that I have someones attention. Flattering you know.



I didnt talk with my best friend Suzanna for three or four weeks now. Thats annoying me. But it is her fault. She makes everything her boyfriend wants to. Thats actually the reason we "fell apart". And I cant see women, who are made down my the boysfriends or husbands just because they are female. I am some kinda feminist... But I really love her. She was always there when I needed her. Just the best friend I could imagine. But I cant see her so down with the boy. He even said to her "you are too fat!!!" and he also said to her "you know I dont love you actually like a girlfriend, but like a sister..." I mean HELLO? I hate this chap.

OH I swear on everything lovely... I will never have such a boyfriend not mentioning a boyfriend...
 
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a good day   
06:20pm 14/07/2004
 
mood: cold
well today was a pretty good day. I dont know why but I felt very comfortable with myself and the way I am. This is not very often case in fact. To be honest sometimes I hate myself to dead. I cant stand myself. My looks and my character.

Today I visited with my school a technical university. And it was awsome. I am so looking forward to study. And I will also move away from here while I study. I will attend a university abroad. somewhere like paris or london. That would be awsome. I´d love to really.

the most stressing thing is that I dont know where to go. I have nothing. But at the same time I have everything I could dream of. EVERYTHING. But its not enough for me. Something is missing. I dont have a boyfriend and I dont want any. Thats not the thing missing. I am sure. Somehow I dont even want a boyfriend. I have fear he could make me down. Make me feel like crap. hurt me. I was hurted so often in my life and I dont want to be hurt again. I dont want any man to tell me what to do and what not. thats it I guess.

well so much for now.
 
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Here we go...   
06:14pm 14/07/2004
 
mood: calm
After long considering I decided to start this jounal. It is more about me. Well it is actually for me. I will try to write down all the things in the world that makes me happy and also those things which annoy me. This is you could say a memoir.

Well I am 18 and I live in europe. I guess thats enough for you to know. I am about to study next year.
I am not that sure if I will maintain this journal but I´ll try to. And I highly doubt that anyone will pay attention to this but I dont care. As I said its for me.
 
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